BC 001 Bonanza Clementine is dead

STROUD Businesswoman and suspected terrorist, Bonanza Clementine was found dead yesterday. Clementine’s body was discovered early Thursday morning by her apprentice Richford Splanter when he entered Clementine’s printshop to start work. She was lying crushed beneath an industrial paper folding machine as a result of a ‘tragic accident’ according to Stroud Chamber Public Security Services (CPSS) spokesman. The CPSS spokesman continued, ‘Fortunately, no one else was hurt and the folding machine remains functional.’

Splanter, who completed his training to become a fully-qualified printer only last week, said, ‘I’m devastated by the loss of my mentor, but I’m determined to carry on Bonanza’s work printing the Chamber’s vital communications and reports. It’s what she would have wanted.’

Clementine owned the only functioning printing works in the Five Valleys area. She had the contract for all official Chamber printing. She was also suspected of committing a string of crimes including vandalising Chamber property, posting illegal banners and selling unlicensed fruit. Though CPSS has so far been unable to find hard evidence of Clementine’s crimes, the spokesman said, ‘We will continue to look. Bonanza Clementine’s death will not stop us from bringing this dangerous criminal to justice, nor will we cease pursuing her accomplices in our quest to restore the untroubled peace which the Chamber has brought to the Five Valleys.’

Not everyone in Stroud shares the CPSS opinion of Clementine. Her friend Jimerson Smythlee-Baffell who wished to remain anonymous spoke to us from his home at 17 Gunhouse Lane in Bowbridge. ‘Bonanza was an inspiration to us all,’ he said. ‘She showed us that there’s more to life than the 24/7 misery the Chamber serves up. We’re not gonna give up just because Bonanza’s gone.’

When asked about the allegations of local misery, Chamber leader Gurwind Bart said, ‘We know that life in Five Valleys contains difficulties. You cannot rebuild a district from the ashes in a day or a year or even five years. But I want to be very clear that what we are doing here is an example to the rest Britain of what can be achieved when we all work together. This year Five Valleys will export more food to the rest of the country than any other local authority. We are healing our land and restoring our livelihoods. That’s hard work. But I know, and I believe the good people of Five Valleys know too, that it will be worth it all in the end.’

Clementine became famous during the early days of rebuilding. She lost her right foot during the carnage of The Event and nearly died of sepsis. She recovered and then fitted herself with a high-tech artificial foot she claimed to have salvaged from the rubble of the Hypermod Sciences factory. The foot gave her the ability to jump fairly high. She used her semi-superpower in daring salvage missions to provide mobility aids and medical equipment to hundreds of people who experienced life-changing injuries during the event. She became a hero and a symbol of hope to many. Then one year ago she reportedly sold her semi-super foot to Britain’s trillionaire food boss Jermany Kentson for enough money to set up a printshop in Stroud. No one knows why. She has no known relatives and is survived by a large potted pothos.